The smart girl’s guide to Singleness

How I’d wish this smart girl’s guide to singleness existed when I was younger, but, in the same time, I am really grateful to put all my experience in helping others and making this part of everyone’s life just a bit easier. Let’s face it, we all have been through this, at least once.

Breakups are never easy, not even when it’s the right thing to do. You still have to go through it all: the missing part, the anger, the self-doubt, the late night desire to text him, the obsessive-compulsive need to remember all the bad things, tie them to an ancient course and let them loose on Facebook.

Here’s a list of things that will fill your days & lift your spirit, give you an extra purpose during this time, keeping you busy and grateful.

1. Allow yourself to be vulnerable

Take the time to feel sad about what happened. This sounds a bit counter-intuitive, but you have to get it out of your system. Acknowledge the fact that this relationship was important to you and don’t be afraid to feel the pain of losing it. Be patient with yourself, don’t skip this step or rush into new things right ahead. The key is not to linger too much in this ritual. Be smart about it: one day of sorrow for every year spent together.

2. Friends can only do so much

You probably have a bunch of friends that will make you laugh about something silly that very day, spend the night with you, bring food or just sit in silence. But when they go back to their own problems, you’re left in that empty apartment, staring at the phone, thinking now what?

Now comes the hard part and the heavy lifting is up to you. It’s time to go deep & ask the right questions: what do you want & why? What do you really seek in a partner? Put pen to paper and write down the answers, old-school lists work best when it comes to decision making.

3. Know thyself

A few nights out won’t give you what you need to move on. Not even a killer one-night stand will do the trick if you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. Breakups are not about making your ex jealous, or about who gets over the other first.

Going out is fun, but don’t become a party animal if that is not your nature, don’t fall into that “I’ll drink my sorrow away” BS, ‘cuz the next morning will be waiting for you with a huge meltdown. Do whatever works, know your boundaries and don’t let distractions become an obstacle in the way of your true happiness.

4. Start looking for patterns

We all have that one friend that falls for the same type of guy, gets hurt every time, and then, moves on to the new one, who’s just as bad. No, she’s not into bad guys. She’s just not into learning from past mistakes.

After going over all that he did wrong, revise your behavior as well. Look for patterns to find out why you acted in one way or another. Is it a core principle or something you hold on to so you won’t get heartbroken again? Whatever the reason, if it’s not working for your benefit, it’s time for an upgrade in perspective!

5. Get out of the house & out of your comfort zone

Get started on thinking about what you’ve always wanted to learn, but didn’t have the time or chance. Take that dancing course, painting class, climbing, yoga, crafting, taming bears, pole dancing with a zebra. Whatever it is, it will get you outside of the house, give you a purpose, a place to be, a new skill to learn. The feeling that you are doing this just for yourself will bring so much joy!

Moreover, it will take you out of your comfort zone, especially if you take it alone, since you’ll have to meet new people, talk to them, make small talk and adapt to every situation that comes your way.

I personally took up Latin dancing, by myself, at age 30, no partner, no friend to come along and guess what? I had to talk to all the people there — that were quite younger than me, I might add, but I ended up have new friends, going to organizes parties every weekend, boosting my self-esteem with every new move and new guy that though I was still in college — mission accomplished. I always wanted to learn how to move on the music I love, there was no time when I was in a couple, but there were a lot of excuses…No more!

6. Out with the old

When you want to make room for a new dress or a new coffee table, you need to move things around and make some room for them, right?

Same principle, ladies! When you’ve decided you deserve something better, make room for the good to come in your life and home. Make a box of his stuff & stash it away so you don’t see them every day. Don’t use this as an excuse to extend the drama, gush about his sweatshirt, or create a scene in front of his house. You’re just creating your space, moving things around and making room for new habits.

7. Sore today, strong tomorrow

The best way to change your mind is to first change your physical state.

It’s high time you broke up with your PJs by now, so get up, take a walk, crank the music louder and dance, go for a run, dust off that old stepper, just start somewhere. Let the energy flow through your body, and the endorphins do their job. It will not cure your sorrow, but it will help you get through the day, change your mood and perspective.

8. The 5 for 1 rule

You could apply this rule to all aspects of your life. It’s pretty basic: for every unfortunate situation you have to find at least 5 good things that came out of it. You’ll quickly see that very worst experiences, whether they were professional or in the matters of the heart, taught you the most and the result is that today your life is different, richer, fuller and you can only be grateful that it worked out this way. Strokes of gratitude will work wonders on your complexion!

9. Conquer your fears

We are not born with fear, we learned it along the way. Get rid of all the ideas that made you doubt yourself and made it easy to accept less than you deserve. Now that you know what was stopping you, take the extra step and try new things, like going out by yourself. Stop worrying about what others are thinking and about meeting someone else’s standards.

10. Enjoy this time for yourself

This is an obvious one, because, heck, all you have left is time with yourself, right? Wrong! If you start seeing it that way, it’s not a choice, it’s the absence of alternatives and it only means life happens to you, and not for you! Why not make the most out of this period and give yourself the extra pampering, care, and attention you deserve? Try that detox plan you’ve been reading about, get your annual check-ups done. Never underestimate the power of clarity of mind, a good night’s sleep and an awesome haircut!