Standing up for myself, the ultimate self-care habit I ignored
Super nice, pushover, people-pleaser, weak, office plant. Those are the bottom layers of the corporate Jumanji food chain.
There’s a fine line between being helpful and being subservient. Saying “sorry” all time, for no reason at all, might be the first red flag that you fall in the doormat category. Crying in the office bathroom on a regular basis — even if you do master the single-eyed silent tear like Demi Moore — is the closing argument.
Kind does not equal weak
You’re never going to regret being kind. Obv! That’s not the issue.
Yet being kind never equaled being weak in my book. It was never supposed to become the stepping stone that invited people to tap dance all over my feelings.
“Why does this keep happening to me?”, I asked my BFF a while ago. “Why is it easier for people to be jerks instead of normal human beings?”- these were the questions that followed a very hopeless meltdown after an grueling interview.
“They’re not the problem”, my BFF said, visibly annoyed by the “why me” compilation of thoughts.
“You are!”, she uttered with an almost-psychic confidence. “You’ll keep bumping heads with every jerk around and each one of them will treat you exactly the same until you learn to stand up for yourself”.
We debated for a while, just for the sake of it, but she ultimately made me see that these types of situations will keep on repeating themselves if I don’t do something about it. Learning how to best navigate them was on me. I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by displaying the same confidence as a boiled potato.
Standing up for myself, the ultimate self-care habit I ignored
I’d been toying with these ideas for a few months until I finally understood what she meant. It takes a while for words to move from your head to your heart, right? (please nod).
Standing up for myself didn’t mean that I was going to transform into a bully. It was not retaliation and my kind nature would not be maligned overnight due to taking a stand. Suddenly it became stunningly clear: it’s a long overdue gesture of self-care.
If you want people to stop treating you badly and walk all over you, you have to demand that. Panic-stricken? Been there. Think it’s not fair that you have to change and not the bad guys that belittle everyone else? Congrats, we share the same unrealistic expectations of the world.
Here’s how I did it.
The first time I stood up for myself, I had a huge pit in my stomach. It was as nauseating as I only imagined bungee jumping could be. But after, I felt incredibly free and oh, sooooo proud of myself.
The first time you get to be assertive will be your Everest. After that, everything seems possible.
Start Small
Once you’ve rationally decided to start showing up for yourself more, don’t get too emotional about it. Meaning, don’t go around flipping off your boss or picking a fight with everyone who’s ever wronged you.
When you’re feeling that “I’m-gonna-let-them-have-a-piece-of-my-mind itch”, don’t do anything radical. Look for small opportunities to practice it, everyday, instead.
It might be voicing your opinion in a team meeting, saying “no” to an invitation or offer of any kind, keeping your head high during a confrontation or your calm during a fight.
Get comfortable with saying “no”
This is a big one, right here.
Saying yes to everything is feeding your toxic assumption that people will only like you if you do things for them. You’re so much more than that.
“No” will not destroy your world. It will give it a slight jiggle, but more than that, it will give you more time to focus on what you truly want.
Think of “no” as a personal self-defense tool that helps you set healthy boundaries, in every situation. It’s not selfish. It’s honest. And you’re responsible for honoring your truth. The rest of the world will just have to learn by your example (small doses cliches are actually good for you)
Create a language for it
Standing up for yourself has a bad rep.
For women in general, it’s aggressively and unjustly stapled to labels like bossy, bitchy, “mean girl”.
The way you chose to stand up for yourself should fit you better than your high-school jeans used to. It’s something that you should cultivate after the very shape of your soul.
Preventing word-vomit when you’re in a tight corner situation that urges you to come back swinging is crucial.
When people take a cheap shot at you, out of the blue, is often mind boggling. Everything gets foggy and unclear really quickly and you don’t know what to do. You were sucker punched. You’re down. Shakky, bleeding and unsure if you want to get up. Throwing in the towel seems appealing. Heck, being the towel seems even better.
That’s when having some go-to vocabulary in your corner comes in handy. Simple things like “I am not OK with this”, “I’m not comfortable with what you’re saying”, “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you”, “This doesn’t meet my needs”, “Thank you, but I’m not able to do that now” do the trick.
Make room for yourself and humanity in any conversation
Try to be polite, fair and respectful.
Don’t add to the drama and don’t lead the conflict. Assertive & nice are not antagonists.
Life is not a popularity contest, so when it comes between being likeable or being compelling, learn to like the self-assured you (there was no way of explaining this without sounding corny and boiling it down to choices).
Most probably, there will still be moments in which you’ll feel a little bit like a sucker. But trust me, it stings so much less when you’re not the one kicking your own ass.
